confusing piece of words

 got a problem
i dislike people
i mean
i don't know
i came back to adelaide
all lively and full of hope
and joy and happiness...
but living here for almost two months now
it's like all taken away..
like sucked out...

all the close friends i used to have in this city
LEFT
like one by one..
last year oct..
last year dec..
this year feb
this year april
you name it there is someone gone
so my phone list sucks
because they are not here anymore
so i treasure those who are left here
i really do
but i don't know
it's like missing parts
because i don't know what to trust anymore
like people
PEOPLE
PEOPLE
i miss you
like crazy
okay you
disappeared into nothing
just nothing
nothing

i needa meet new people
oh well they are everywhere
i just haven't have the motive to get a smile across my tired face
to say hi to get into a whole new hurrah of fun and joy and happiness
like normal people
okay i think i want to
just at this moment i don't have the right state of mind
you know how life has its ups and downs
it sucks
because i know i was in ecstasy a few months back
and if the downturn is the same magnitude
oh my
i hope this is the rock bottom

even i realise this all doesn't make any sense
why am i still writing
oh well these are just words right from my mind
:)
because i miss the time
when i said the words all right from my mind
and i don't have to pretend
because i might hurt or pissed anyone
and i don't have to keep anything to myself
because there weren't any troubles or worries
and all there was to do is fun
life as it is
not every day is a vacation
but the state of mind
is something i can control

as so i was told
my living in the moment attitude is reckless and worrisome and do no good
but at least i was happy at the time
because i donno now
when i live cautiously
when i talk what normal friends do
it is just not me
i don do that
i am not a good person that pretend that i love you i like you i miss you i know you
when i don't
i just do what i do best
i put emotions n feelings in daily.. most of the time..all the time
and when i stop doing it
i feel sadness creeping in
and i don't know how strong my heart is
to pretend that i don't care
like i can live
like this is how it should be
when i totally think it is not..........
waiting is a state of emptiness
because i don't know what the ending is gonna be
i miss you
like crazy
i want to tell you
i really do
and it is just easy
why do i care now
what you would reply
why
because i am scared
of what you would or would not reply
and yes i said i don't have any expectations
and i still don't
but just really
everything is in my subconscious state of mind
 that is just how i do things lately
because i admit
i can't think straight
i am not using my brain
like only a little bit
a teensy bit
:_(
what a waste right? :P

oh well going back to the state i hate myself like early of the year
i was so in love with me for quite  a long time this year
probably this time it would make a greater and better good
i love you
=)
wish you were here.