Tuesday 17 November 2015

I'm not heartless

We feel everything.
I can hide it sometimes and say the words against my heart even though I hurt myself.
Your warmth is intensifying.
Every single moment spent.
I need strength to fight against it, running away.
I'm sorry I got hurt before.
I'm sorry I don't know when can I start believing again.
But I know you are really really good.
Like. Really good.

不哭不闹不是乖宝宝

安静很吵
安静不了
歹说胡说
安静不好

十年一日
十句一字
依稀是会
意字是会

不言可以不笑
不掩可以不演
戳了破了就算了

终究是知道
时间不会冲淡
放下才是答案

Last day in Perth

There was a lot of you. I miss you. And I tried everything. To Let it go.
So I'm blessed. For the wonderful time. I won't stop. To be true. To be me.
It's the best thing you thought me. That I won't spend any more time to be less of me.
I love me. I love that I make decisions for myself. I love that I had let myself run free and lost and be defeated. I don't like losing. But I needed the truth. 

It's not nothing. I went all this way before I cared so much for you. I don't know whether you will do the same thing for me. I cried a thousand times. I wrote a thousand letters. I said this is the last time for a thousand times. I don't know what would have happened if it was another route. But if it is meant to be, it will happen for me. I did what I did for you. I'm always thankful to have met you. Because I know that I will find myself a way. To be a better me. To always go up. To always always grow up. 

To everyone that I love and stood by me, I will always be grateful. I am excited to find out how my life is going to turn out. And finding the passion back in me to push me, getting to the better and wonderful me, I Won't stop. And I'm so blessed. To never have to look back and wonder what ifs. 

People see what they wanted to see. And you had taken me.
 
Paper town.

Wednesday 11 November 2015

两年的峰回路转

总觉得回家后就会告别social media 一阵子了
失去了自己那么久 终于到可以交上那差强人意的成绩单
很伤心吗 又懊悔吗 一一想想吧 
回到刚毕业时 会留下来吗  还是会
回到刚搬来珀斯时 还会留吗。不该留的
该问他的没问 
该过的生活没过
该追的梦没追
该赚的钱没赚
赔了时间金钱感情
自己的定力毁得一团糟
可是
感谢时间教会我
什么人值得信
什么话值得忍
什么事值得做
纪律 生活方式 观念
规定了生活沉湎
今天所作的会决定明天的成果
最重要的就是你要对得起自己的心
人生是自己在过的
别再把任何人的事摆在自己的前面
而赔了自己的人生
自己是可以决定自己的命运的

Unspoken but blamed - Perth

Maybe one day I will forgive you and forgive myself.
Till then.
May all focus go on rewinding the damage.
Reciprocate the loss. 
For losing him was a bet.
Losing hope was unforeseen.
Chasing back faith is a belief.
Road not taken won't be relived.
No regrets. 
Remember to always take full control. 
In all aspects. 

It's a wrap. Like getting out of a trap. A bling bling honey trap. Happily got myself into it. With a strong faith that I won't question the what-ifs and what-nots. Time gives answers. I'm so blessed to have everyone to surface me from where I was through this journey. To be with me, believe in me, supporting me. Would you have done otherwise? The answer will always be, it is the best decision within all conditions. #retrospective #wanderluster #toottoottrain

Tuesday 13 October 2015

Love yourself.

Do what's best for yourself in every decision you make. Every step you take. Everyday you spend.

Never let anyone else take control over your life. You are in charge. In everything. Love yourself.

Monday 17 August 2015

Delightful journey

Sometimes you just went from intense to open, raw and vulnerable. It's a journey.

Tuesday 11 August 2015

Triggers

There are just so many triggers. That I can easily cry. Getting older is getting tougher if you don't grow.

Don't walk into my heart and explode.

蝴蝶哪兒有家

Saturday 25 July 2015

Days became months and became years.

Because of you

你敢不敢

I tell myself

I need to quit caring for the other thinking I'm not ready. I need not be afraid of the fall. I need to stop denying my feelings and just be myself. Too much control is Just pulling hard on the heart strings . Be free.
It's counted in years. The question was never 你讓我怎麼辦。It is 我要怎麼辦。
You didn't cross my mind at my most vulnerable moment in surfers. But ain't it funny my heart still hurts looking at your profile and see that you got half of your insta photos deleted?

May the truth set you free. Instincts. Don't go against it anymore. Be true to yourself.

Wednesday 3 June 2015

Just be Twenty-three

Is it just me but it feels like you know the answer to everything?
Is it just me but it feels safe and warm around you?
Is it just me but it feels okay to confide anything with you?
Why is there such a pull to trust so much in you, even when my head says no.
Why is there such a button that switched on and off all the time around you, even till my heart feel so.
I don't know what is this. I really don't.
I need you. You come by at a really good time.
I don't know what to do.
To suppress or embrace.
To accept or let go.
But I know you are someone I treasure.
Because you are true.
At least I feel so.

I feel shaken by the lost of a high school friend and your face just float up to my mind.
That I wish to run to you and just want to hear what you have to say.
But I suppress it. Because I feel like I needed you. I know I can do it myself.
This time I dealt with it. I acknowledged it. I get past it.
I know it is hard to accept an early death. Being gone so young.
A lot of times and attitude of life to be reflected upon.
Have I done enough. Have I helped enough people.
Have I shared my experience and love around.
I know about  coping mechanism. I know everyone can do it differently.
There is no easy way out. But it could be better, with someone to talk to.
Reach out. People do care. These words are so important but it's funny how is not being said enough.
Love deeply, compassionately. Do everything you can to give help and create goodness.

Saturday 30 May 2015

Saturday 23 May 2015

BLUEKKKK

I'm grateful that he is doing this too now..
I'm so weird..
Loving you was never my intention
Kinda sad Kinda happy..
This is absurd..
Whahahhahahaha
I don't even know what I want now..

Wednesday 20 May 2015

Be true

I need to stop caring for the other one thinking I'm not ready. I need not be afraid the fall. I need to stop denying my feelings.

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight
Before the bleeding sun comes alive
I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight
And hear my beating heart one last time
Before daylight
I've fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I've loved and I've lost
I've loved and I've lost

Explosions.. on the day you wake up 
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

Late night watching television
But how we get in this position?
It's way too soon, I know this isn't love
But I need to tell you something

I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?
I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?


Tuesday 19 May 2015

Cause and effect

It's amazing living a grateful life.
-5 Aussie job
-5 Singapore job
-5 PM questions
-5 essential posts
-5000 steps

15/05/2015 the date I got myself back. 

Tuesday 5 May 2015

自爱自爱自爱自爱

你用我们炼成铁的感情把我的心杀了
不断的告诉自己
别为了你的错惩罚自己
别因为你的错不原谅自己
别幻想 别爱 别恨
别记起 别忘记
怪天意弄人
怪自以为是
怪你我不勇敢
言语利器伤人
沉默可杀死人

我把他存的档案删了
我把他的脸书删了
我把他的照片删了
删 了
行动先做了
心你快点跟上吧
爱和痴就一线之差
别犯贱
他这个样是在做大烂事
已经不值得再挂念些什么了

我用一年换了一个星期
他的时间结束了

Sunday 3 May 2015

Be busy be good.

Remember. He is only part of a distant memory.
I'm myself. I'm responsible for myself. I can take care of myself. I'm taking back my life. Times wait for no one. Be the person I want to be. Be strong. Believe in myself.

Dreamt about a man suicide last night. Too harsh too wakening.

A sign of growth. Probably a good thing.

Friday 1 May 2015

Thursday 30 April 2015

信念

1。只想快樂的事
2。只做能改變的行動
3。只為了更美好的自己努力

Wednesday 29 April 2015

Be happy. Be healthy. Be self-reliant.

Nobody can tell you what to do except for yourself. 
Life is simple. Be happy. Be healthy.
He is a great friend and he had done great. 
His time was up. And he had been caring and warm. 
That's all. 
He was trusted to never hurt me, though he had done so deeply unknowingly.
Scene 1. He liked me but it was not the right time yet. 
Scene 2. He liked me but he was not ready yet.
Scene 3. He liked me but he was still mourning over his past relationship.
Scene 4. He liked me but he was not brave enough he is making the right choice. 
Scene 5. He liked me but I have moved away and he is not going into another long distance again.
Scene 6. He liked me but I have moved away and he does not know that I am only a few words away from moving back to his side. 
Scene 7. He liked me but I have moved away and he does not know that I have feelings for him.
Scene 8. He liked me but I have moved away and he does not know that I am denying my feelings for him because I am new to this thing. 
Scene 9. He liked me but I have moved away and he does not know that I am denying my feelings for him because I am only guessing he just got single.
Scene 10. He liked me but I have moved away for no apparent reason even though it was maybe because I really liked him. Which just doesn't make sense. 
Scene 11. He doesn't like me. 
Scene 12. He doesn't have feelings for me. 
Scene 13. He doesn't know that he has my full trust on not hurting me. 
Scene 14. He doesn't know that he has been very important to me.
Scene 15. He doesn't know that my whole self-support system break down after he stopped contacting me. 
Scene 16. He doesn't respect me. 
Scene 17. He doesn't think I deserve his respect and his time. 
Scene 18. He think that I am a calculative girl who wants him even when I shouldn't.
Scene 19. He doesn't think that he meant a lot to me. 
Scene 20. He doesn't know that I need him as a friend, a support, a person.
Scene 21. I think too much about him.
Scene 22. He thinks that I only want him because he is no longer around.
Scene 23. He doesn't want to know. He never asked. 
Scene 24. I'm a freak and turned into a crazy woman for the longing of him. 
Scene 25. I actually doesn't like him. It is all in my head. 
Scene 26. I actually doesn't like him. It is only because he is not around any more. 
Scene 27. I am only grateful for him. I will always remember him. 
Scene 28. I believe in myself and get through any hardships. 
Scene 29. I thank him for waking my dream box and live like a human again. 
Scene 30. I am not regretting anything.
Scene 31. I accept life and work towards the better.
Scene 32. I can be absolutely lost but find the right pathway again.
Scene 33. He is a friend. He is a good friend.
Scene 34. He is no longer around for me.
Scene 35. He has done his time. And I have done my time for him.
Scene 36. One day if he knows and contact me, I will have no more unwanted feelings for him.
Scene 37. I wrote it out and let it be here. Ends here.
Scene 38. He lives in a dream box, in a history box, where all perfections exist.
Scene 39. I will move on. I thank him. To a better and more beautiful future. 
Scene 40. His name would not stung my heart any more.
Right choices, wrong choices, they are not all so definite. 

Sit

I will write your name down. Because I miss you.
I am grateful to have met you to have known you.
Every single time I wrote about you I was hoping it is the last one.
But it is just like waves. And creep me up at those unexpected times.
So I have to write it out and express.
For you are no longer around to listen.
Long distance relationship is hard.
But this shit I am in right now
Is worse.
Self-framed trap.

You are my worst best friend because you know my defense system eats me up. You are my worst best friend because my entire functioning is suffering impairment. You are my worst best friend because I can't blame you hate you or forget you. You are my worst best friend because from the moment I trusted you I had to become a crazy lady before I can help myself up again. Be simple.

Sunday 19 April 2015

相信自己的判断

一定要进步自己
为了成长
为了信心 
为了未来
为了自己

One year of denial finally ended. 
In the pursuit of happiness. 
I'm glad and grateful for all I went through.
And accept the results and everything that I get
Open heart. The feeling of control is back. And this feels good. 

Monday 6 April 2015

Almost lovers

Happiness, lucky, trusts, gratitude, love, fear, guilts, regrets, shames, despairs. When all I need are courage and acceptance. 

For I haven't lose faith in humanity.

For I have been contented till I was put in ambiguity.

For I have been blinded and abruptly took a leap in faith. 

For I have been fighting against my heart for our mistakes. 

For all the sleepless nights when he used silence as his weapon

For his disrespects and cowardly acts bringing pain and sufferings

For when our precious friendships turned sour as his responses turned irrational 

For when every true feelings got stabbed with words unspoken things unexplained

For when he was worth the wait to sort things out and receive forgiveness easily

For when I learn only I can take care of myself and no one else can help.

Acceptance is the key. That true friendship is a distant memory. He is forgiven for he brought light to so much. And I'm ready to continue fighting my challenges in life. Full heartfelt. 

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Soul

For today I would be true and blunt 
To put myself to a rest
To make me refocus and believe again 

I was deeply unsure of what your actions and intentions were
I was afraid that you would hurt me if I stayed 
I was kept in the blind of whether my feelings were returned or it was all a hoax
So I left

It wasn't a good enough reason
It didn't kept me from being hurt
It didn't stop me from being burnt
For everyday I had doubted myself and pulled away from living my life

It was a dark place
That I couldn't speak about
You lighted my world
Enlightened my heart
So important and heavy
And I trusted that you wouldn't hurt me.

I waited. And the answer was
I shouldn't had been afraid.
I shouldn't had left things unsaid.
Because broken souls
Took a god lots of guts to fix.

Wednesday 25 March 2015

美好的回忆

欠人手短 
感恩缘分
感恩遇见你
感恩一切的一切
这一年就当还了你吧
满满都是你
没有怨 没有恨
只因为你当过我最深的听众

最好的朋友 最深的记忆 最美的期盼


Thursday 12 February 2015

We have an agreement.

I will fly off and do my own thing here. I will grow as a person and be as wonderful as ever. I will be proud of who I am, amazing as ever and be at the level that instantaneously people fall for. We have a binding contract. I always do what I said. Walk the walk and talk the talk. It is true.

Heart or head

Next time, I will follow my heart. Not my head. The connection was real. Plenty of songs to bring me back to the state of mind. It is one of the hardest time. Nothing would have happened. Nothing lasting anyway. You tell yourself that. This short term pain is worth it. For the long term happiness. For the both of us. For being true was the only way.

Christina Perri - Heart or head.

Wednesday 4 February 2015

Love is a ghost that you can't control

Christina Perri - The Words [Official Video]: http://youtu.be/B9tc9R_Y3FY

Words are better left unsaid
Strings are better left untied
Whatever runs in the mind just let it be free and die

Life changes things happens love yourself right.

Tuesday 3 February 2015

Keep calm and have faith

One day I will stop missing you. It will become a distant memory. It is a really hard battle. For my brain to fight against my heart. For my part, I apologize. If you see this as fit, I won't hear from you again. I left, because of you. Because I can't be there, when I had depended so much on you. I didn't want to mess it up. Ever. Because you are my diamond in the rough. I walked away for you, even when it taunts me. For one of the many other things I learnt, never to let another decide what I want. This could be the only cliche that messed it all up. We couldn't even joked about don't you worry I will start liking you? Really this should have come out sooner. Oh well. Great friendship doesn't end. And I know you would be great. In everything. May all good things happen for all of us.

We are all finding a place in this world. And last year was challenging as hell. And I made the choice for the best at that time. For whatever reasons. And for the nurturing of my heart. And career. And being mindful and relaxed in this state, to still be thankful with all the blessings in life. Cheers to the unknown. And to the future.

Don't you worry child.

Monday 2 February 2015

Walk the walk and talk the talk.

一个人知道往哪儿走全世界都会为他让路。最幸福的事是知道自己要的是什么 要拿得起放得下 没有勇敢地狠狠爱一场 哪来的撕心裂肺 哪来的重振旗鼓 哪来的生命 最美的事是你不说我知道 我不说你也知道 然后你说了我等你说的 我就自由了  不管故事怎么样 我真是幸运 认识了你 =)


I love my blog, the place to let all my thoughts run free, without confinements. Right now at this moment, I am thankful for every single person that I have met and learnt from, and spent time with, and allowed me to love and indulge in my life. It is the very simple thing that makes life worth living. I am responsible for my thoughts, and now all my focus is on improving myself, career-wise, self-development and financial wise. Looking forward to a whole new 2015 and may the sky be the limit. Happy February!!

Thursday 29 January 2015

Facebook addiction

Wow. Recognising it has taken up way too much of my life, I need to gain back my control and time. I have been doing useless stuff on it and it is totally counter productive. I am not going on the website on my mobile devices anymore. I am limiting my time onto only when I use laptop but I will be mindful of my time on it because I need to do a lot more productive activities on the laptop. It is just mindless browsing but I miss it so much only putting it hours away from me. It is out of the way to switch on my laptop past midnight and I am determined to cure this. There is nothing important on there really. Head on addiction. 

I haven't seen thunder and lightning for so long it scared me. 37℃ and thunderstorms the whole week. +.+

Wednesday 28 January 2015

一辈子很长很长

有些人有些事 
会难过一辈子很长很长
心有千千结
揭开了就行了
若不能自己定生于死
那发生在之间的事
至少要自己定


Friday 23 January 2015

This is freaking hard

Just cry and die
I know it has been an amazing year picking myself up.
The view has turned from negative to zero to zero to positive.
It was an amazing route.
It is so so so so hard to focus on the positive.
But this is what makes it precious.
Sad songs have its audience,
But be happy because life is short,
Appreciate everything that we have,
I love him always for waking me up.
Maybe too much.
He knows it.
I am just blessed to know him,
To have reborned and face the world again,
There is just so much to do.
Focus and preservers
Have. Clear map of who I want to become.
An advocate for the hopeless.
An advocate for the hopeful
Bring hopes and loves to all the ends of the world.
Life is well worth living.
Do not give up.

Monday 19 January 2015

青春是场豪赌

爱得那么真那么炽热
那么多首歌
瞬间懂得个中滋味
可是那么摸棱两可
那么不愿意跳过那翻墙
只能教会自己放手
继续期待 等待
时间和缘分 会为我们而来
相信 真 善 美
爱你爱你也爱自己
爱在一起

Thursday 15 January 2015

Facebook

It is not pretty rainbow everywhere. 
There aren't sunshine everyday.
So I smile at all the stupid little things I do.
Life has too much uncertainty and never have anyone taught me so much. 
I write plenty of stories for people but yours had it rough. 
It was dangerous and I thank you for the ride.
Your pages would remain in my book,
For as long as it can stay.

Little people little stories. xoxo.

超幸福的我想跟你對不起 你我都有錯滴 #搖搖搖 #我在幹嘛 #時間太貴啦 #放下放下靠自己 #我肯定不是第一个 #豬頭好朋友 #太愛你 #你唉太多了 #男生果然不會攤開來講 #是誰講全部東西很簡單 #逼我長大那我也逼你長大 #24 #從來都是一個人很好 #你着急我着火 #毁了我有盡力了 #是不是信息比較好 #你不回那我咋辦 #算了吧反正新年新希望 #😭為啥不夠豁達 #和你交朋友就要談這些事 #試過太多定位啦 #刪除鍵無效 #討厭你失效 #喜歡你當機 #就大咧咧愛你吧  #我要婚宴請柬 #友愛沒那麼深過 #是被你嚇走的 I was differentiating gratitude and love. Then maybe should switch to Chinese thinking.  Then Malaysian thinking. Yes it took so long. Yes my brain work this way.  #ihategrey #messedupplatonic #youstartedtheambiguity  #ihatehowtiringbeingyourfriend #itwasworsebeingstranger #lifetooshort #ifthisdoesntwork #atleastitried

I had to guess the Malaysian thinking because it was too long ago and it was new and it was fun. And then I asked my friends and everyone told me I wasn't overthinking. But I had to tell myself there is two sides of the story. After a while everyone around me deemed it is just hurting me and my growth but I trusted you so much. Unbelievable. #iwentawayfirstinstancebecauseofyou #whatthehellwasyoucomingbackbecauseofme #iwantedtoreturnforyousincedayone #NofurtherstorySoifindexcusesforyou #ineverthoughtofyouflyingback #whydidiwenttoyourcity #whyaminotintroducedtoyourgirlfriend #WhythepuppyWHY #whyemotionalleakage #yousoundedlikeyouhaveaproblemnobodycanhelp #iwishyouallthebestinit  #iamreallysimpleyouscaredme #youchanged #MORALITY You didn't explained further you didn't need to. I am a good friend and I trust and respect you. But you messed up my mind too much for too long. I owned up to it now that I have served my time. #wearenottravellingtogether  #younevercalled #worsttextingbuddy #youbastardkepttoomanysecrets  #itsnotimportantanymore  #MORALITY #ididnttakephotosforminimalmemories #Whydidyouwakemeforlifepartner #whateverthankyou #itshumannature 

Welcoming a new year with a new heart. It was a pretty scenery. Social cues warned me I might be pestering you but I am doing this for myself. I am a girl I need this. Wahahaha my closure. I need growth. Lets pray I won't delete this too soon. Yes I trust morality love and social norms. #clearingsocialdebts #toomanybiglifedecisions #changeisforthebetter #lifelearner #blessings #greatfriendscrossmountains #MORALITY

I spent the year hating myself. #morality I never think less of you in relationship matters. In hurting people. But you did. I am thankful but I can't forget you. I have no right to your status but I can't blame you. I am listing your faults but I can't hate you. And I don't make mistake with taken man so much it shattered me. It doesn't even hurt that much you disliked me. I knew I was in deep trouble missing you the most. You stole my Adelaide. This kind of bonding. Hell of a ride. 

#trustnomore #everymanforhimself #wallisgood

Never hold a man to his words. He isn't worth it no matter how great he was. He doesn't have the courage to owned up he is not worth it. Be confident my girl. Live a merry life. You are responsible for your own life. you are a star and will live a great life. 

我好想那个好朋友 那个我为了他离开的好朋友 那个让我不知道怎么办的好朋友 那个决定跟我保持距离的好朋友 那个让我错得离谱的好朋友 那个我很爱的好朋友 那个不擅沟通却抓住我心的好朋友 那个教了我好多的好朋友 因为我爱你很深 你回来吓死我了 你不说我说 我是很珍惜我们的缘分的 我是很真心的 不悦是真的 因为你的处理是真糟糕的 轻描淡写说感情是很简单的 你又怎么这样呢 男人哪 说话可真别当回事 这情分能说断就断 呵

我知道我为爱很勇敢很坚强 很真 我的道德感的强烈 很美 我情愿这是场单恋 很悲 如果是一场没有如果的如果 男人口说无蓝 真的别执着 没有越过那坎 就去别村吧 =) 天下好男人很多很多 反正这场人生历练是早有预感的劫难 #摇摇摇 

You had been a major distraction for the whole 2014. I am able to shut you off. I will love you like I love life, like I love everyone that had made into my life thus far. I know I am not ready for the next heartbreak. Though I had walked through one anyhow. I had to grow extra length of nerves to belittle you. To think that guys are easy looking for affairs, are not respectful of feelings, are just playing the field until looking to settle down. Just empty reasons to forgo. To let go. To remember the moments that are not right. To put a smile back to my heart. Just a mistake. And forgiving myself, with such pricey settlement. Cheers. You effing wake me up from something I suppressed for a long while. But this year, I gaining back my focus and compartmentalization. Your column shall remain shut. 

Monday 12 January 2015

Get over you.

1. I will get over you because you are not the right guy.
2. I will get over you because you hurt me.
3. I will get over you because I couldn't accept it.
4. I will get over you because it was my mistake.
5. I will get over you because it wouldn't work or last.

他不值得不值得不值得

I deserve better. 
I deserve better doing for my time. 
I deserve better doing for my words. 
I deserve better doing for my learnings.
I deserve better doing for my work and efforts. 
I deserve to love, trust and respect. 
WITH MY PERSON. 

Saturday 10 January 2015

身体很热 睡不着

回忆太多 太可怕
以决定照顾自己
不要得过且过
已经非常糟糕
日子很难过
别疼惜 别掉进回忆漩涡

曾经男孩对我说 生活很简单 别想得太复杂
曾经女孩对我说 一个人那么坚强 好辛苦
我说 每天问题那么多 能应对的就直接来了
哪有时间逃避那么多
世界上每个人面对一堆事
总会走过来的
成果就看个人造化罢了


I am sorry for messing up. 
I am always on the brink of my tears and there are too many things I can't talk about. 
Too many dirty laundry. 
I lived my life trying to not have it holding me back.
You are the only person right now I can't bear to lose. 
I don't need to lose. 
But I have to keep telling myself, it is alright and stop being so stubborn. 
You have helped a lot and I need to figured out the rest myself. 
Positivity. Do good. Say good things.
Love deeply, love passionately, 
Don't give up. 
I moved to not be the one seeing you in the same city, in the grey territory. 
I know I love you all so willingly, and not crossing that line would be a calming treasure.
All the while I wished you all the best. And I mend my heart for myself.
Time would heal. It's a good thing. I bathed in all the things I learnt from you, trying to live as simply and happy as possible. 
You were a blessing. And still are. That's the beauty of friendship.
It's all in my mind. I have been through this before. 
I just missed him and want to hold on to something good,
Nothing wrong with that. But he is not good for the bigger picture.
It is doing both of us a favour. I need to concentrate on my career. 
I need to help myself. I am capable and very strong. 
I have to fight the urge to apologise. It doesn't makethings right. Or it's not time yet.
It's okay babe. 

大艺术家

Thursday 8 January 2015

Daunting

 Stop thinking about missing him, about what we could have been. 
This isn't high school. He wasn't  loving you. 
He never asked you to go back. He is ruining you now. 
It hurts enough and you should help yourself now.
There are better things to do.
Better people that suits you. And would have more faith in you.
Wouldn't stop or blinked at the thought of wanting to be with you.
 No changes. 
以不变应万变
不顾天时地利人和
结束 句点

Too many tears for him.
Too many lah. 


I was feeling bad and cautious to not like you. And then I got over it for I can like you all I want and as long as I don't do anything to have you then everything is alright. To my great friend, it's not hard being easy. It's just that you let on and refuse to make things right. It isn't high school and I'm not the expert, but is a shame to have put our friendship through all that time. May all be well. I smile at the thought of you. 

I love my best friend. We just never speak to each other anymore.

 Or shall I say, he never want me in his life now.
The story started in the final year of my university degree. I asked him to join in our final year project. He was the only guy anyway and we can use the extra hand. It was plain old platonic friendship. The other girl graduated earlier before us. But we were in the same class again for another final course. A stronger friendship is budding. We chatted. Way too long way too deep way too comforting. He was a blessing. I can't remember when did he says that he is in a ldr. His words about his confidence in his love was overwhelming. Like he just can't lose her. I admired that. And I think she must have been a really great girl. To turned him into someone like this. I took comfort in that we're close friends, and shared some of my hardest moments in life with him. I am very thankful, to have known him trust him and opened up to him. And I know I must be careful and not do anything stupid, even when I trusted him fully on his relationship. I didn't care how do I look or speak or walk around him. It doesn't matter and I can be as unkempt as I want to be. Never did I know, he is going to be the one that helped me to attain closure. We texted after graduation and arranged for working visa. I went to his city and met his family. And dogs. Not his girlfriend though. So weird for I was there for a long time. Anyway I am pretty stubborn and still didn't have feelings for him. All went well and I flew back to australia. The timeline is a blur now for he flew too much. I remembered saying goodbye to him just bidding farewell for he shall just go back and continue his relationship and start his career. But he flew back a month later and said it was because of me. Tears struck. He doesn't meet me when I was deciding whether to move away from my uni city. He was busy so I just informed him about my decision. Right after I bought my tickets. Anyway I flew away and didn't go back. He flew back to his city again and I remembered calling him one night when I was overwhelmed with deep soreness in depression stress and cried hard for a real good time. It was long due ans the cry was real good. I needed him at the time and he brought closure to my issues. So much growth and he opened my eyes to plenty of possibilities. He was the best therapy. Maybe I had been a pent up bottle for far too long, the trust I had for him was unnerving. And I had known then, I handed him the knife to my heart, to rip me apart. He was given the power. I knew days were getting harder when I felt positivity when texting or calling him, and have that craving growing strong when I was alone. That was when I started to lose it. My mind was all about I trust him, to not hurt me, and his relationship whatsoever. And I typed long winded messages that I can't remember the words. Probably something hurtful. And I knew I shouldn't have sent it that time. Or the other time. Or the next time after. Because he was a great companion. A great friend. And I don't have the need to want him anyway. Because I don't do distance. Anyway I ruined a beautiful friendship. Too many words I can't describe, for all the things we spoke still echoed clearly in my mind. He asked why forgive friends who hurts you. And my answer is because the friendship is very precious and worth saving. I called him on thanksgiving. Why because of me you came back and hurt me. I had spent the year in vain hope to go back for him. Well words unsaid and he never wanted to travel. He probably figured I like him and would jeopardise his relationship. And I only turned this way because he hasn't been a great responder in texts or phone calls. Be it my fault, to wanting a great person in my life. And there were never romance in between us anyway. Ambiguous hurts. And clearing up messes shouldn't be so hard. It would be trouble, to be with someone so influential in my life. Trust him fully, but just stop being blind. Wakey wakey. 
All new 2015. 

One day I will look back and laugh at myself. =D