The story started in the final year of my university degree. I asked him to join in our final year project. He was the only guy anyway and we can use the extra hand. It was plain old platonic friendship. The other girl graduated earlier before us. But we were in the same class again for another final course. A stronger friendship is budding. We chatted. Way too long way too deep way too comforting. He was a blessing. I can't remember when did he says that he is in a ldr. His words about his confidence in his love was overwhelming. Like he just can't lose her. I admired that. And I think she must have been a really great girl. To turned him into someone like this. I took comfort in that we're close friends, and shared some of my hardest moments in life with him. I am very thankful, to have known him trust him and opened up to him. And I know I must be careful and not do anything stupid, even when I trusted him fully on his relationship. I didn't care how do I look or speak or walk around him. It doesn't matter and I can be as unkempt as I want to be. Never did I know, he is going to be the one that helped me to attain closure. We texted after graduation and arranged for working visa. I went to his city and met his family. And dogs. Not his girlfriend though. So weird for I was there for a long time. Anyway I am pretty stubborn and still didn't have feelings for him. All went well and I flew back to australia. The timeline is a blur now for he flew too much. I remembered saying goodbye to him just bidding farewell for he shall just go back and continue his relationship and start his career. But he flew back a month later and said it was because of me. Tears struck. He doesn't meet me when I was deciding whether to move away from my uni city. He was busy so I just informed him about my decision. Right after I bought my tickets. Anyway I flew away and didn't go back. He flew back to his city again and I remembered calling him one night when I was overwhelmed with deep soreness in depression stress and cried hard for a real good time. It was long due ans the cry was real good. I needed him at the time and he brought closure to my issues. So much growth and he opened my eyes to plenty of possibilities. He was the best therapy. Maybe I had been a pent up bottle for far too long, the trust I had for him was unnerving. And I had known then, I handed him the knife to my heart, to rip me apart. He was given the power. I knew days were getting harder when I felt positivity when texting or calling him, and have that craving growing strong when I was alone. That was when I started to lose it. My mind was all about I trust him, to not hurt me, and his relationship whatsoever. And I typed long winded messages that I can't remember the words. Probably something hurtful. And I knew I shouldn't have sent it that time. Or the other time. Or the next time after. Because he was a great companion. A great friend. And I don't have the need to want him anyway. Because I don't do distance. Anyway I ruined a beautiful friendship. Too many words I can't describe, for all the things we spoke still echoed clearly in my mind. He asked why forgive friends who hurts you. And my answer is because the friendship is very precious and worth saving. I called him on thanksgiving. Why because of me you came back and hurt me. I had spent the year in vain hope to go back for him. Well words unsaid and he never wanted to travel. He probably figured I like him and would jeopardise his relationship. And I only turned this way because he hasn't been a great responder in texts or phone calls. Be it my fault, to wanting a great person in my life. And there were never romance in between us anyway. Ambiguous hurts. And clearing up messes shouldn't be so hard. It would be trouble, to be with someone so influential in my life. Trust him fully, but just stop being blind. Wakey wakey.
All new 2015.
One day I will look back and laugh at myself. =D
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