On the verge of breaking down

I am not a powerful woman. I have to gather all my strength to focus on a singular thing. I believe that practices would become habits and would then allow me to stay on track. I need the self discipline self awareness and self management to control my mind. I don't want to get sidetracked so easily. I want to do the things that I know I should do. I don't have energy and time and the emotional strength to waste. It makes me feel good to hear someone said it's okay, I am doing fine. It makes me almost cry to have anyone say keep it up. You are the happiest girl I know and have always been the positive minded person. I heard it from the close friends that I have and I did not know that I portray this kind of character. I feel that I have all these dark times and thoughts that I totally understand is negative and unproductive. I hide it deep inside me, letting it build up, and keep me distracted from time to time. I know I need an outlet for these. I shut it down when I felt that it is disturbing me. Or I chuck it in a diary or in words some where. I can express these going on and on. BUT there is part of me that stopped me from doing so. Firstly it is not helping anybody. it is unproductive, and my blog is not visited by a wide pool of audience. Maybe there are others who feel the same way, which I would never know. but i don think writing here help anyone. so i stopped. that's why my blog is inconsistent. I tend to only come by here when i felt down and need to clear some space in my head. 

I do not have good memory. I forget almost anything and everything. I do not know how did I get through my exams and classes. It is really bad this year. I don't seem to be interested or understanding in anything the courses are about. I don't seem to be attached to anyone or anything that is going on in my life. I felt like there is no commitment. and i am so free that it is scary. i don't know how would i be when i get out to the graduate position next year. i am so unsure of myself. i don't want to lose sight of what I can do and who I am. Getting lost in this dark end is really scary. I don't know how long is this dark alley and where is the end.